2007-10-15 Mr. Bean to give speech
The local community college is preparing to celebrate the arrival of legendary TV personality Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean is scheduled to give a lengthy lecture on television and its place in the modern world. Prior to his appearance, Mr. Bean will be visiting children at the local home for the deaf.

2007-10-05 Bill Williamson trapped in box again
Despite onlookers best attempts to free him, Mr. Bill Williamson (38) found himself trapped in a box at the airport for over two hours. Police were unsuccessful in freeing him until the fire company showed up with an axe and the jaws of life.

2007-10-02 Bob Roberts catches record fish
After numerous failed attempts to catch anything alive, Mr. Bob Roberts (22) caught a record size fish in the lake adjacent to Mr. George Bailey's farm. Mr. Roberts, who had already reeled in 5 boots, two tires, a wristwatch and a waterlogged magazines, had great difficulty in landing the fish at first.

2007-09-27 Mrs. Evelyn Smith celebrates birthday
The elderly Mrs. Evelyn Smith celebrated her 82nd birthday today. For reasons yet unknown, she was gifted with a large ladder that she promptly attempted to climb.

2007-09-15 Record winds disrupt traffic
This morning, record winds downtown caused numerous traffic problems. It seemed to be blowing in all directions as hundreds of people were having trouble walking. Several witnesses saw numerous people having difficulty making headway against the wind and a few were even blown over while trying to cross College Avenue. A bicycle has been reported missing as well as a small black terrier.

2007-09-10 Bill Williamson finds record-length rope
After 45 minutes of pulling on a rope he found, Mr. Bill Williamson(38) finally managed to locate the end of a large rope. Mr. Williamson had discovered the rope while out for a leisurely stroll with his dog. After almost tripping over one end of it, Mr. Williamson decided to coil the entire rope together for other's safety. Bystanders saw Mr. Williamson pulling on the rope for over half an hour before the end was in sight. Attempts have been made to contact Guinness but, as of yet, no word has gotten through.

2007-09-01 New call center opens
Local business leaders were on hand for the opening of the new call center on Willow Blvd. After a lengthy speech by both the Mayor and the head of the Chamber of Commerce. The first call was fielded by Mr. Ephram Jones (46) and lasted 15 seconds.

2007-08-22 Local DJ fired
Ms. Sharon Addams found her employment terminated today after a performance review. Ms. Addams (26) was found to have uttered things during a live broadcast that, untimately, results in her termination. Ms. Addams was unavailable by telephone for comment.

2007-08-03 Bill Williamson trapped in box
Mr. Bill Williamson (37) was found trapped in a box at the Farmer's Market today. He was speechless when asked about it later. Eyewitnesses were rendered helpeless by the box Mr. Williamson found himself trapped inside of while reaching for a pineapple at one of the vendor's stalls.